


Patronswap

by FiveTail



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Reality, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-01-15
Updated: 2012-09-11
Packaged: 2017-10-29 13:37:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/320491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiveTail/pseuds/FiveTail
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which the ectosiblings switch patron trolls before the start of the Sburb.</p><p>(Relationships tentative and subject to change as the series progresses. & is a spoiler censor for quadrant.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I.I

**Author's Note:**

> This story is being written in chatlog form, for brevity. And also because I have literally five other fics I'm working on at the same time. Whoops.
> 
> This is going to end up a decently-sized fic, if the plotline I have laid out has anything to say about it!
> 
> Reviews are loved, concrit encouraged!

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--

AG: Hello again, Jaaaaaaaade.  
GG: hey spinneret!  
AG: So I guess today is finally the day you get to go on your 8ig adventure.  
GG: :D  
GG: yeah!!!  
AG: Are you excited?  
AG: 8ecause you should 8e excited.  
AG: So excited.  
GG: definitely!  
GG: im a little nervous too...  
GG: but i think its because ive been preparing for this a really long time  
AG: You have 8een. All that waking up early, peeking into your dream clouds!  
AG: You are such a cheater.  
GG: am not!!  
AG: No, it’s a good thing!  
AG: Knowing your way around Prospit puts you leeeeeeeeagues ahead of those friends of yours.  
AG: 8ut you really are lucky to have someone as knowledgea8le and excellent as me as your guide.  
AG: With your weird future insight and my flawless planning a8ilities, your session is in the 8ag!  
GG: hehehehehe i hope so!  
GG: i remember you glamorizing a whole bunch of stuff just to get me to talk to you.....  
GG: im expecting you to own up to all those promises by the way!!!!  
GG: youve been running your mouth about this since as long as i can remember  
AG: 8luh, I had no choice 8ut to talk to you so early. There was no telling how much stupid the others infected your timeline with.  
AG: Hell, it must have 8een a pretty su8stantial amount! You ignored me for years.  
AG: On your end, anyway. Minutes on mine.  
AG: 8ut I suppooooooose it was their meddling that got me to graciously save you from their trou8lesome interference in the first place. So that's a good thing.  
AG: I guess.  
GG: i probably couldve handled them on my own  
GG: but thanks for “saving” me oh gracious one :PPP  
AG: What’s with the quotes????????  
AG: I did nothing less than s8ve you.  
AG: You were dangling around helplessly at the end of Karkat’s string of impotent rage, and I set you free. ::::)  
GG: so thats his name...  
GG: the angry one right??  
AG: Yes, the one with the ragged stick up his exit chute, why?  
AG: Don’t tell me he’s STILL on your case. ::::\  
GG: yeah.....  
GG: he wont leave me alone  
GG: he keeps saying its a really bad idea for me to keep talking to you  
GG: even when HES the one whos screaming and yelling and cursing at me all the damn time!!!!!  
AG: Man, what an asshole.  
AG: Don't listen to him, he's pro8a8ly just afraid of losing our 8et.  
GG: a bet??  
GG: what kind of a bet :o  
AG: Never mind the 8et!  
AG: The fact we've already got him quivering in his cute little turtleneck should 8e more than enough encouragement to push forward.  
AG: You have to 8e ready, though! At this r8, you'll 8e the last one in, which means you'll have a lot of experience to cover if you want a chance at 8eating the others.  
GG: uhh  
AG: What now?  
GG: i thought the point of this game was for everyone to work together as a team???  
AG: Hahahahahahahaha.  
AG: You're adora8le.


	2. I.II

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

GA: Hello  
GA: I Have Been Instructed To Antagonize You  
GA: Considering My Previous Attempts At Contacting The Other Members Of Your Inane Species Have Ended In Little More Than Bitter Frustration And A Longing Sense Of Regret  
GA: And That The Poor Layout Of This Trolling Plan In General Renders It As Pointless As Your Timelines  
GA: I Have Decided To Once More Choose An Arbitrary Point At Which To Speak With One Of You While Hoping It Will Bear Some Shadow Of A Result  
GA: Wait Why Am I Explaining This To You  
GA: The Reiteration Of Temporal Intentions Falls On Your Ears Like A Nightly Wakening Alert System To A Troll With An Aural Canal Disability  
TG: you have the wrong window maryam  
TG: youre preaching about time to a father clock here  
TG: every minutes being tracked under my roman collar while im behind the scenes denying flagrant allegations of second hand molestation  
GA: How Do You Know My Name  
GA: Have We Spoken Before  
TG: few times  
TG: havent seen you in a while though  
TG: im guessing youve never spoken to me before on your end and that this is the part where you jump right into the middle of my timeline to try hassling me  
TG: rude man i couldve been changing  
TG: shit i cant even fondle my own hours in peace  
TG: whos the time pedophile now  
GA: Whats A Pedophile  
TG: i think the term in your world is grubfucker  
GA: Ew  
TG: hahaha  
GA: Hmmm  
TG: hmmmmmmm  
GA: Why Are You Hmmming  
TG: what am i not allowed to hmmmmmmm on my own time anymore  
TG: can i not call your noise of vague contemplation and raise you four ms  
TG: i dont know how this relationship is going to work if you keep suffocating me here maryam  
TG: its no fun kissing a dead corpse trust me  
GA: Have I Previously Mentioned How Utterly Vacuous This Method Of Communication Is By The Way  
GA: Upon First Glance Sarcasm Appears As Some Sort Of Syntactic Code To Dupe Those Not Aware Of Your Linguistic Nuances  
GA: But Seeing As Your Entire Culture Seems To Share The Identical Code It Makes The Whole Concept Invalid  
TG: woah  
GA: Woah What  
GA: Also I Am Not Language Policing Please Interpret That As The Sincere Inquiry It Is  
TG: this is me interpreting your sincere inquiry about my reaction to you blatantly insulting my home planets language  
GA: It Is A Very Stupid Idea  
TG: you know whats a stupid idea  
TG: barging into the middle of my timeline and mocking a staple of my culture  
TG: see me and future you were becoming decent acquaintances before you showed up  
TG: about two conversations away from trading friendship bracelets  
TG: you were in the middle of making mine out of tweed and rainbow glass beads and dice that spelled out my name  
GA: Wait  
GA: Really  
GA: Is This Another Example Of Your Human Sarcasm Because Im Beginning To Find This Thoroughly Irritating  
TG: we cant become friends if you keep bitchslapping away my mad pimpstick of peace like im wiggling a mutant tentacock in your direction  
GA: Hold On  
GA: I Apologize If What I Said Jeopardized Our Past And Future Friendship In Any Way  
GA: Though Sarcasm Is Still Stupid This Was Not My Intention  
TG: nope too bad youve crossed the rubicon  
TG: the government of strideria is passing legislation on your caesarean officious intermeddling  
TG: if youre sticking with the “i didnt mean it” defence well probably just end up charging you with involuntary pimpstickslaughter  
GA: This Is Incredibly Silly  
GA: I Strongly Doubt Legislation Can Be Passed Based On The Interpreted Offence Of A Single Person  
GA: I Also Doubt Your Specific Interpretation Of The Law Reaches Across Paradox Space Making My Pending Sentence Ineffectual  
TG: do you really want to take that risk bro  
GA: I Have Access To Legal Counsel  
TG: look interdimensional immunity might be a thing in your universe but the galactic courts here dont buy into that shit  
TG: all im asking is for you to show a little cultural sensitivity  
GA: By Taking Sadistic Pleasure In Saying The Exact Opposite Of What I Mean  
TG: this is way past making up for your crimes against the art of sarcasm  
TG: sarcasms one of several dialects  
TG: if you want peace you have to start getting versed in the REAL DEAL  
GA: Which Is  
TG: what our entire culture is built from duh  
TG: the righteous movement that tied us together as a species  
TG: the almighty spoken smackdown  
TG: the reigning verbal pulse  
GA: I Dont Follow  
GA: Could You Send Me A Guide To This Language Of Yours  
GA: Perhaps A Link To An Online Reference  
TG: theres no online reference for a heartbeat man  
GA: Actually  
TG: no listen  
TG: verse has gotta be real  
TG: beats have gotta be fresh  
TG: take all that laundry piled inside you and hang it up to dry  
TG: overburden the line and piss the hell out of your neighbors  
GA: Can I At Least Have An Example Of These  
GA: Freshly Laundered Beats  
TG: oh shit  
TG: sure  
TG: sure youre new to the game but i wont let it hinder  
TG: sick fires that burn christmas morning innocence to a cinder  
TG: cinderblock  
TG: tick tock  
TG: clocks crashing down the timeline  
TG: paradox construction cripples buildings from the prime spine  
TG: damn girl  
TG: cant let your ignorance keep you out the know  
TG: stoke the beats til they glow til they grow til they flow  
TG: put on a fucking show in the striderian chateau get your motherfucking sew-  
TG: -ing needle and throw it on the record tables  
TG: cutting out a pattern scratch by scratch with lace and wire and extension cables  
TG: turn around  
TG: learn the sound from all the shit youre not  
TG: spit verses up in curses and fuckin drop it like its hot  
GA: Oh My  
GA: I Wasnt Aware Human Language Was Based On Ancient Slam Poetry  
GA: Or Rather Your Equivalent  
TG: damn straight  
GA: I Am Not Versed In This Topic  
GA: I Will Have To Consult A Few Of The Others For Advice On This Matter  
GA: Which In Future Sight Will Not Be The Easiest Conversations Considering The Trolls Who Must Be Involved  
GA: But When We Speak Again I Fully Intend To Throw It On The Record Tables And Drop It Like Its Hot  
GA: Whatever “It” Refers To Of Course  
TG: yes good  
TG: run along now maryam  
TG: dont come back until you can kick it  
GA: Very Well

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--


	3. I.III

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

GC: H3LLO SL1GHTLY L3SS CLU3L3SS L4LOND3  
GC: ST1LL F33L1NG 4B4NDON3D BY YOUR MOM 1 HOP3???? >:]  
TT: The word "still" presupposes an existing sensation of abandonment, one which in reality never came to be in the first place.  
TT: So I’m afraid the answer is no. Sorry to disappoint, hatefriend.  
GC: TH3 SC3NT OF D3C31T 1S ST1NK1NG UP YOUR L4V3ND3R BUT 1 W1LL G3N3ROUSLY L3T 1T SL1D3 B3C4US3 YOU R3M3MB3R M3 SO W3LL  
TT: How could I forget?  
TT: Our tepid mutual enmity was penned by the hand of fate herself, after all.  
TT: A prophecy of animosity so languid it must have been drawn lazily in the stars.  
GC: OK4Y OK4Y YOU DONT N33D TO G3T 4LL MUSHY 4BOUT 1T  
GC: L1ST3N OUR UM  
GC: L34D3R  
GC: R3STRUCTUR3D OUR STR4T3GY  
GC: WH1CH W4S 4 GOOD 1D34 S1NC3 GOD KNOWS W3 W3R3 4LL F4LL1NG 1NTO TH1S R4NDOM TROLL1NG PL4N HORNPO1NT B4CKW4YS BUT 1T M34NT 1 H4D TO P1CK ON3 OF YOU 4L13NS TO TORM3NT ONC3 4ND FOR 4LL  
GC: 1 W4S GO1NG TO TRY H4SSL1NG TH3 RUD3 STUP1D ON3 4G41N BUT TH3 L34D3R C4LL3D D1BS  
GC: H3 WONT L3T 4NYON3 TOUCH TH3 BLU3B3RRY T1M3L1N3, H3 GOT 1T P4SSWORD PROT3CT3D 4ND 3V3RYTH1NG  
TT: So I was the next choice on your roster?  
GC: Y3S 4ND NO  
GC: 1 TR4D3D FOR YOU  
TT: How flattering.  
GC: 3V3N THOUGH YOUR3 BOR1NG 4ND YOU T4LK TOO MUCH YOU 4ND 1 H4V3 4 CONN3CT1ON TH4T 1 TH1NK 4CT1NG ON NOW W1LL 3ND UP MOR3 B3N3F1C14L FOR US 1N TH3 LONG RUN  
GC: L3T SP4C3 H4NDL3 T1M3 TH3Y GO H4ND 1N H4ND 4NYW4Y  
GC: W3 SHOULD ST1CK TOG3TH3R, YOU 4ND M3 >:]  
TT: Ah.  
TT: And what kind of connection do we have, exactly, that serves as such strong basis for your reasoning?  
GC: 1 4M 4 S33R  
GC: JUST L1K3 YOU  
GC: 4S B34R3RS OF TH1S T1TL3 W3 H4V3 N4TUR4L 1NTU1T1ONS WH1CH C4N B3 HON3D TO OUR 4DV4NT4G3  
TT: Why should I trust you?  
GC: B3C4US3 1 KNOW WH4T 1M T4LK1NG 4BOUT  
GC: 1 C4N P33K 4ROUND MOST OF YOUR T1M3L1N3 WH3N3V3R 1 F33L L1K3 1T, WH3TH3R YOU W4NT M3 TO OR NOT  
GC: M1GHT 4S W3LL 4GR33 TO US3 1T TO YOUR 4DV4NT4G3 B3FOR3 1  
GC: S4444444444Y  
GC: T4K3 SCR33NSHOTS OF 4LL YOUR MOST 3MB4RR4SS1NG MOM3NTS TO CONSTRUCT S3V3R4L 3L4BOR4T3 PHOTO 4LBUMS 1 WOULD PROC33D TO SPR34D B3TW33N YOU 4ND YOUR FR13NDS????  
GC: TH4T WOULD B3 V3RY HUM1L14T1NG WOULDNT 1T  
TT: Prove it.  
GC: >:?  
TT: A girl needs to know if she’s being properly threatened.  
GC: WH4T DO 1 PROV3  
GC: TH3 F4CT 1 C4N H4V3 4 D4NC3 P4RTY 4ROUND R4NDOM PO1NTS OF YOUR T1M3L1N3  
TT: No, no.  
TT: For the strict purpose of my personal amusement and potentially masochistic curiosity, I have taken the courtesy of setting my scepticism regarding your timeline shenanigans aside on the back burner. At the moment, said scepticism has been brought down to simmer at a low everpresent doubtboil, waiting to overflow with the addition of even the thinnest slice of raw troll bullshit.  
TT: I was referring to the screenshots.  
TT: Can you take those from any part of my timeline?  
GC: DUH OF COURS3 1 C4N  
GC: WH4T K1ND OF 4WFUL CH4T CL13NT WOULDNT COM3 W1TH 4 H4LF D3C3NT SCR33NSHOT SYST3M  
TT: Screenshot my bedroom as it looked just before I entered the game, and send me the file.  
TT: Since I’m within the Medium right now, it would serve as bonus credibility towards your timeline claim.  
GC: W41T  
GC: 1S TH1S WHY YOU W3R3 TRY1NG TO G3T 4 HOLD OF D4V3 4 F3W M1NUT3S 4GO  
TT: Irrelevant.  
GC: 1F 1 DO TH1S W1LL YOU B3L13V3 WH4T 1 S4Y  
GC: OR 4T L34ST 4 GOOD P4RT OF 1T  
GC: 1M G3TT1NG S1CK OF H4V1NG TO 3XPL41N MYS3LF 4LL TH3 T1M3  
TT: Of course.  
GC: F1N3 H4NG ON  
GC: 1M GO1NG TO SCROLL THROUGH UNT1L 1 G3T 4 D3C3NT T4ST3 OF TH3 SC3N3  
TT: I must admit, the nature of your synesthesia is intriguing.  
TT: If you aren’t trolling about that, too, I mean.  
GC: MY WH4T NOW  
TT: Synesthesia.  
TT: It’s a human condition where the neurological sensory pathways in the brain become crossed, so that evoking one sensation triggers the response of another unrelated sensation.  
TT: This can result in tasting colours, seeing music, attributing sentient qualities and personalities to various symbols...  
TT: Not all at once, of course. Synesthesia has different effects for everyone afflicted.  
GC: 1 DONT KNOW 1F 1 H4V3 TH4T  
GC: YOU SORT OF M4K3 1T SOUND L1K3 TH3R3S SOM3TH1NG WRONG W1TH M3  
TT: Synesthesia is considered a neurological disorder for humans.  
GC: 1 DONT H4V3 4 D1SORD3R >:[  
GC: 1 ONLY ST4RT3D P3RC31V1NG TH1NGS L1K3 TH1S WH3N MY F34RSOM3 UNBORN DR4GON LUSUS ST4RT3D T4LK1NG TO M3 1N MY SL33P  
TT: ...right.  
GC: BUT TH3N SH3 H4TCH3D 4ND GOT H1T BY 4 M3T3OR  
TT: I hate it when that happens.  
GC: Y34H  
GC: WH3N 1 W3NT BL1ND SH3 T4UGHT M3 HOW TO T4ST3 4ND SM3LL MY W4Y THROUGH TH3 WORLD L1K3 SH3 WOULD  
GC: 1D ST1LL B3 1N TH3 D4RK W1THOUT H3R H3LP  
TT: My apologies. I meant no disrespect.  
TT: I wasn’t aware trolls even had legal guardians.  
GC: TH4TS 4N 1NT3R3ST1NG T3RM  
GC: "L3G4L GU4RD14NS"  
GC: 1S TH4T WH4T YOU C4LL YOUR HUM4N LUSUS N4TUR43  
TT: What did you just call my mother?  
GC: YOUR LUSUS  
GC: YOUR 4DULT CUSTOD14N  
GC: TH3 T4LL HUM4N F3M4L3 WHO SH4R3S YOUR BROWN SK1N 4ND W34RS 4 BUBBL3 GUM SC4RF  
TT: Trolls have bubble gum?  
GC: WHY WOULDNT W3 H4V3 BUBBL3 GUM W3 L1V3 1N 4N 4DV4NC3D SOC13TY  
GC: OR US3D TO 1 GU3SS  
GC: 4NYW4Y H3R3

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] sent tentacleTherapist [TT] the file "STUP1DK1TT3NW4LLP4P3R.Jpg" --

TT: ...interesting.  
TT: I wonder what this means.  
GC: B34TS M3  
GC: PROB4BLY H4S SOM3TH1NG TO DO W1TH YOUR QU3ST  
TT: The quest of my land, correct? I was informed about this earlier.  
TT: Something about having to learn to play the rain.  
GC: Y3S  
GC: TH3 QU3ST OF YOUR L4ND 1S 1MPORT4NT TO COMPL3T3 1N ORD3R TO L34RN YOUR TRUTH  
TT: What truth?  
GC: 3V3RYON3 H4S TH31R OWN TRUTH  
TT: What was your truth?  
GC: NON3 OF YOUR BUS1N3SS!!!! >8O  
GC: JUST R3M3MB3R TH4T YOUR STR4WB3RRY CR34M CONSORTS 4R3 YOUR GR34T3ST 4LL13S  
TT: They’re my only allies, actually.  
TT: My dead cat told me everything else was eaten by the monster slumbering in the sea.  
GC: OH GOOD YOU KNOW 4BOUT YOUR D3N1Z3N  
TT: How exactly do I go about defeating it?  
GC: WOW OK4Y 1 TH1NK YOU N33D TO T4K3 4 ST3P B4CK 4ND R33V4LU4T3 OUR R3L4T1ONSH1P  
GC: 1 4M NOT YOUR P3RSON4L SPO1L3R D1SP3NS3R  
GC: 1F YOU W4NT MY H3LP W3 W1LL B3 DO1NG TH1S MY W4Y  
TT: Why not give me straightforward directions and save us both the potential confusion and stress?  
GC: B3C4US3 TH4T 1SNT FUN  
GC: TH4TS TH3 PROBL3M W1TH YOU L4LOND3  
GC: 4LW4YS LOOK1NG FOR 4NSW3RS 4ND F1N4L1TY 4ND QU1CK F1X3S 1NST34D OF GO1NG W1TH TH3 FLOW 4ND DO1NG TH3 JOURN3Y JUST1C3  
GC: YOU R3M1ND M3 OF 4N OLD P4RTN3R OF M1N3, T4K1NG SHORTCUTS 4ND G4MBL1NG FOR 4N OUTCOM3  
GC: H1GH R3TURN V3RSUS OPPORTUN1TY COST  
GC: BUT TH3N 4G41N 1T 1SNT MUCH OF 4 G4MBL3 WH3N YOU ST34L 4LL OF YOUR LUCK 4ND ST4CK 1T ON YOUR S1D3 OF TH3 SC4L3  
TT: Can we get on with this? I have a land to explore.  
GC: 1MP4T13NT TOO  
GC: YOU TWO R34LLY 4R3 4L1K3  
GC: TH3 PO1NT 1S W1TH M3 ON YOUR S1D3 YOU DONT H4V3 TO W4ST3 T1M3 D3C1PH3R1NG L1TTL3 TH1NGS  
GC: T1M3 TH4T C4N B3 B3TT3R SP3NT SH4RP3N1NG YOUR S33R C4P4B1L1T13S TO 4 F1N3 PO1NT  
GC: 1NST34D 1 W1LL T4K3 YOU ON 4 SP33DRUN THROUGH YOUR R34LM BY ST1CK1NG MY TONGU3 1NTO YOUR FUTUR3  
TT: Ew.  
GC: WH4T  
GC: WH4T D1D 1 S4Y  
TT: Never mind.  
TT: So you will utilize your control over my timeline to advise me on what I have to do in order to finish my planet’s quest.  
TT: What do you get out of being so helpful?  
TT: Besides pretending to look busy behind a keyboard so your leader doesn’t reprimand you.  
GC: H3 COULDNT R3PR1M4ND H1S W4Y OUT OF 4 P4P3R GROC3RY S4C BUT 1 4PPR3C14T3 TH3 CONC3RN  
GC: WH4T 1 G3T OUT OF 1T 1S G3TT1NG TO W4TCH YOU STUMBL3 4ROUND YOUR S3SS1ON L1K3 4 H3LPL3SS K1TT3N W1TH 4 TH1NK P4N D3F3CT WH1L3 1 ST4Y P3RCH3D M1GHT1LY 4TOP MY T1M3L1N3 TOW3R, TR41N1NG YOU FROM 4F4R  
GC: H4ND1NG YOU TH3 1NFORM4T1ON WONT H3LP YOU 4NY  
GC: YOULL R34CH YOUR 3ND1NG JUST 4S OBL1V1OUS 4S YOU W3R3 4T TH3 ST4RT  
GC: YOU MUST L34RN TO S3P4R4T3 TH3 TRUTHS 4ND TH3 L13S, TO S33 TH3 P4THS TH4T MUST B3 T4K3N 1N ORD3R TO R34CH YOUR MOST PR3F3RR3D OUTCOM3  
GC: TH1S 1S 4LL ON3 R34LLY B1G G4M3 OF CH3SS  
GC: 4S S33RS 1T 1S OUR JOB TO ST4Y S3V3R4L MOV3S 4H34D OF OUR OPPON3NTS  
GC: 4S YOUR B3ST H4T3FR13ND 1 W1LL HONOR4BLY ST3P 1NTO TH3 ROL3 OF YOUR OPPON3NT  
GC: 1LL G1V3 YOU GU1D4NC3 4ND L34V3 1T UP TO YOU TO F1GUR3 OUT WH4T 1S F4CT  
GC: 4ND WH4T 1S F1CT1ON >;]  
TT: This sounds as trivial as it does taxing.  
TT: Are you certain I’ll learn things this way faster?  
GC: MUCH MUCH F4ST3R  
GC: YOU PROB4BLY SHOULD B3 TH4NK1NG M3 R1GHT NOW  
TT: I’ll pass on that golden opportunity.  
TT: But I accept your challenge, Mister...Miss...?  
GC: 1M 4 G1RL  
GC: 4ND 1TS T3R3Z1  
GC: T3R3Z1 PYROP3  
TT: Alright, Miss Pyrope.  
TT: I think it’s only fair to warn you in advance that chess is a cherished childhood pastime of mine.  
GC: WH4T 4N 1NT3R3ST1NG CO1NC1D3NC3, M1SS L4LOND3  
GC: 1V3 JUST L34RN3D HOW TO PL4Y >:]


	4. I.IV

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 11:42  
ectoBiologist [EB] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 11:42  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 11:43  
ectoBiologist [EB] ran gtfo.exe at 11:43  
Connection with carcinoGeneticist [CG] lost  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 11:44  
Connection with carcinoGeneticist [CG] lost  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 11:52  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ran NOPE.exe at 11:52  
Connection with carcinoGeneticist [CG] lost  
System crash!  
Rebooting...  
Reconnecting...  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 11:56  
ectoBiologist [EB] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 11:56  
ERROR: eB/block/list directory corrupt, contact host - message dump {01010011 01010101 01000011 01001011 00100000 01001001 01010100}

EB: sigh.  
CG: HI SHITHEAD.  
EB: hey fucknuts.  
EB: look, i don’t know how you keep evading all the blocks i put on my system, but surprise! i still don’t want to talk to you.  
EB: bye.  
CG: HOLD YOUR HOOFBEASTS FOR FIVE FUCKING SECONDS, WOULD YOU?  
CG: IF YOU CLOSE OUT OF THIS CHAT, I’M JUST GOING TO SKIP AHEAD A LITTLE ON YOUR TIMELINE AND TROLL YOU AGAIN.  
CG: OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS DEVOLVED INTO A VICIOUS OUROBORIC CYCLE GLISTENING WITH THE GOLDEN SCALES OF ABSOLUTE CONTEMPT, WITH MY HATRED SERVING AS THE VENOM-DROOLING FANGED GOB OF A CANNIBALISTIC SLITHERBITE WHO HAS YOUR SENTIENCE WRAPPED HELPLESSLY AROUND THE END OF THE QUIVERING, UNSUSPECTING TAIL I AM CURRENTLY SHOVING DOWN MY PROTEIN CHUTE.  
CG: I’VE BEEN DEVOURING MYSELF FOR THE PAST HALF HOUR BUT WHAT SHOULD BE PROVIDING ME WITH A FEELING OF PERPETUAL FULLNESS AND SATISFACTION IS INSTEAD PARADOXICALLY MAKING OUR CONVERSATIONS SHORTER AND SHORTER, WHICH NEEDLESS TO SAY WOULD MAKE THE FIRST CONVERSATION WE HAVE IN YOUR FUTURE IMPOSSIBLE.  
CG: SO I MUST BE FUCKING SOMETHING UP HERE.  
CG: I’M GUESSING MY PREVIOUS METHOD OF TROLLING IS COMPLETELY INEFFECTUAL AND THAT I HAVE TO RESTRUCTURE, IF ONLY BECAUSE THE MOST IMPASSIONED MATERIAL I HAVE EVER CARED ENOUGH TO CONCEIEVE IS BEING COMPLETELY WASTED ON A FUCKNUGGET WHO CAN’T STOP UNSHEATHING HIS INGUINAL BOTHRIUM LONG ENOUGH TO PAY THE FUCK ATTENTION.  
EB: tl;dr  
EB: i’m busy. go away.  
CG: WE HAVE RECENTLY DISCOVERED A WALKTHROUGH WRITTEN BY YOUR FRIEND. THE ROSE HUMAN.  
CG: WHERE THE FUCK SHE FOUND THE TIME TO JOT ALL THAT DOWN REMAINS A MYSTERY TO ME, BUT THE FACT REMAINS YOU HUMANS DON’T SEEM TO HAVE YOUR HEADS AS FAR UP YOUR ASSES AS I PREVIOUSLY ASSUMED.  
CG: WHICH OF COURSE BEGS THE QUESTION  
CG: WHY THE HELL DID YOU FUCK EVERYONE OVER SO BADLY?  
EB: you can keep ranting and ranting and ranting, but the answer is still I DON’T KNOW!  
EB: i don’t know what you mean by fucking everyone over. i don’t know what you mean by messing everything up!  
EB: i have just started out in this game so i probably have not even done whatever you are talking about yet.  
EB: you keep blathering on and on about jumping around my lifeline, why don’t you use your almighty time powers to skip ahead to the part when i do screw something up and then yell at me when it actually makes sense.  
EB: or better yet figure out what i did wrong then come back to tell me what i can do to prevent it!  
CG: THAT WOULD BE A SMART IDEA IF IT WASN’T SO COMPLETELY FUCKING STUPID.  
CG: IT’S OBVIOUS TO ME FROM THE GARBAGE YOU JUST MERCILESSLY DUMPED ALL OVER MY SCREEN THAT YOU DON’T HAVE A GRUB’S FUCKING UNDERSTANDING OF BASIC TEMPORAL MECHANICS.  
CG: IF I FIND OUT WHAT YOU DID THEN GO BACK TO FIX IT WE WON’T BE IN THE ALPHA TIMELINE ANYMORE, DIPSHIT.  
CG: BESIDES I ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU DID. WHAT I WANT TO UNDERSTAND IS WHY.  
CG: WAS THERE A MOMENT IN YOUR SESSION WHEN YOU GOT WHACKED IN THE HEAD BY AN OGRE TOO HARD, CRACKING OPEN YOUR THINK PAN AND IMPAIRING YOUR JUDGEMENT?  
CG: WERE YOU OFFERED SOME SORT OF BARGAIN OR PROMISE OR TREASURE IN EXCHANGE FOR LETTING IT HAPPEN?  
CG: IF THESE ARE IN FACT MY LAST HOURS ALIVE LET THEM BE SPENT WATCHING YOUR EVERY MOVE SO THAT I MAY ATTEMPT TO COMPREHEND YOUR FUCKING THOUGHT PROCESS BEFORE I DIE.  
CG: YOU KNOW, THE THOUGHT PROCESS THAT FUCKING DOOMS US ALL?  
CG: YOUR TIMELINE IS A MOVIE THAT UNFOLDS TO THE MOST IDIOTIC CLIMAX IN HISTORY. I HAVE THE POPCORN READY.  
EB: can you at least shut up while you creepily watch my every move? people don’t normally yell at the screen during movies.  
EB: wait never mind you’re probably that annoying guy in the back of the theatre who totally does.  
EB: hey annoying guy, could you tell me if your girlfriend actually ends up killing me so i can warn my friends?  
CG: SHE IS NOT MY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND.  
EB: okay.  
EB: hey annoying guy, could you tell me if your not fucking girlfriend actually ends up killing me so i can warn my friends?  
CG: WHO KNOWS???  
CG: OH WAIT THAT’S RIGHT I DO.  
CG: YEAH, I SAW THAT MESSAGE SHE SENT YOU EARLIER ABOUT WANTING TO SMELL YOU DIE AND SHIT. DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY, IT’S KIND OF HOW SHE SAYS HELLO.  
CG: BUT NO YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HER ANYMORE.  
CG: AS A MATTER OF FACT YOU WON’T BE RECEIVING MESSAGES FROM ANYONE ELSE DURING YOUR SESSION. YOUR TIMELINE IS SEALED OFF TO ME, AND ONLY TO ME.  
EB: too bad. she was the only one who actually seemed sort of threatening.  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
CG: NOW I ALMOST DON’T WANT TO COMMEND YOU FOR WHAT I PLANNED ON COMMENDING YOU FOR BEFORE.  
EB: good, because i don’t caaaaare.  
CG: FROM ONE PROGRAMMER TO ANOTHER, I FIGURE I SHOULD GIVE YOU CREDIT FOR THE SECTION YOU WROTE IN THE ROSE HUMAN’S GUIDE. THE ONE ON PUNCH CARD ALCHEMY.  
CG: IT WASN’T COMPLETELY FUCKTARDED.  
EB: uh.  
EB: thanks? i guess.  
CG: NEAR THE END YOU MENTIONED THE POSSIBILITY OF AN ALGORITHM THAT COULD BE USED TO SEPERATE COMPLEX ITEMS INTO INDIVIDUAL PARTS. I HATE TO ADMIT THAT I’M ACTUALLY PRETTY IMPRESSED YOU MANAGED TO FIGURE ALL THAT ALL OUT FOR YOURSELF.  
EB: hold on a sec while i alchemize a tray to hold all these backhanded compliments.  
CG: SHUT UP AND LET ME FINISH.  
CG: THERE IS AN ALGORITHM. ONE OF THE OTHERS FIGURED IT OUT.  
CG: SO YEAH. YOU WERE RIGHT.  
EB: oh okay. that’s pretty cool.  
CG: NOW TELL ME.  
CG: WHAT IS THE FUNCTION OF A POGO RIDE.  
EB: what do you mean?  
CG: I WAS TESTING THE VALIDITY OF YOUR GUIDE AND I UTILIZED THE CODES YOU PROVIDED AS EXAMPLES.  
CG: I PRODUCED A HAMMER AND A POGO RIDE.  
CG: THE PURPOSE OF THE HAMMER IS OBVIOUS BUT THE POGO RIDE REMAINS AN ENIGMA.  
EB: it is an exquisite asian delicacy as expensive as it is rare. you should probably try licking it all over.  
CG: POINTS FOR EFFORT, BUT SOMEONE’S ALREADY DONE THAT.  
EB: wut.  
CG: NOW WHAT DO I DO WITH THE POGO RIDE?  
EB: you’re supposed to ride it, dumbass.  
EB: it’s right there in the name.  
CG: OKAY SEE NOW I KNOW YOU’RE YANKING MY BULGE AGAIN.  
CG: THE POGO RIDE IS LAYING PROSTRATE ON THE FLOOR LIKE A GIANT LEGLESS GREEN WIGGLER JUST STARING AT ME WITH THAT GOOFY FUCKING GRIN MELTED ONTO ITS GOOFY FUCKING FACE. HOW AM I EXPECTED TO RIDE IT.  
EB: it comes with a big metal spiral part sticking out the bottom, right?  
CG: YEAH.  
EB: you have to go outside and shove some of the coily part in the dirt somewhere so it stands up.  
EB: get one of your stronger troll buddies to help you.  
CG: WOAH WOAH, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I’M NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO DO IT MYSELF, YOU OBNOXIOUS DOUCHEFUCK?  
EB: please.  
EB: alien or not, you are obviously a bored nerd who does not possess the mangrit needed to shove a pogo ride into the ground because he’s too busy spending all his free time yelling at people over the internet while living in his basement.  
EB: or, you know. whatever your super cool alien planet calls basements!  
EB: (that was sarcasm.)  
EB: (your planet is stupid.)  
CG: OH.  
CG: OKAY I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT.  
CG: YOU’RE ACTUALLY NOT HALF BAD ONCE YOU GET TALKING.  
CG: ALSO MY PLANET WAS DESTROYED YOU INSENSITIVE JACKASS.  
EB: ...oh.  
EB: so what, are you guys on a spaceship or something?  
CG: HOLY FUCK THE IRONY OF YOU ATTEMPTING TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT OUR WELL BEING IS HILARIOUS.  
CG: LOOK AT ALL THESE NOISES OF AMUSEMENT TUMBLING OUT OF MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW.  
EB: oh yeah man, this method of trolling is way more effective. i am tripping all over these sick burns!  
EB: remind why i shouldn’t close the window again?  
CG: THE JETPACK.  
EB: what?  
CG: THE JETPACK YOU MADE, MORON, IT’S USELESS BECAUSE IT’S CRAMMED WITH RANDOM SHIT.  
CG: GIVE ME THE CODE AND I’LL USE THE ALGORITHM I MENTIONED EARLIER FOR SEPERATION.  
EB: wait, so now you want to help me out all of a sudden?  
EB: i am getting mixed signals here.  
CG: TELL ME ABOUT IT.  
CG: LOOK, IT’S THE ONLY LOGICAL WAY I CAN KEEP TROLLING YOU. EMBEDDING A FEW PROTIPS IN THE SPLASH ZONE OF MY ACID RAGE SO YOU’LL ACTUALLY LISTEN TO THE REST OF WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.  
EB: you mean listen to you use a zillion metaphors to describe how much you hate me?  
CG: PRETTY MUCH YEAH.  
EB: hmmmmmmmmmm.  
CG: HMMMMM?  
CG: WHAT HMMMMMMM THERE IS NOTHING HMMMMMMMMM WORTHY GOING ON NOW.  
EB: if i didn’t know any better, i’d think you had an ulterior motive for talking to me.  
EB: like you needed me for something.  
CG: I  
CG: WOW  
CG: GIVE ME A FEW SECONDS TO SCRAPE MY THINK PAN OFF THE WALL BEHIND ME BECAUSE THE ABSURDITY OF THAT CLAIM JUST BLEW MY FUCKING MIND.  
EB: you loathe my existence and hack through my blockades and clutter up most of our chats yelling at me for being alive. there must be another reason for why you keep going through all the trouble to come back, and more importantly why you need me to keep responding.  
EB: i am getting the feeling there’s more to it than “bluh bluh i’m doing it because i don’t like you”.  
CG: LIKE HELL THERE IS.  
CG: NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM IF YOU UNDERESTIMATE THE FERVENCY OF MY HATRED.  
EB: okay.  
EB: ride the pogo ride.  
CG: ...WHAT.  
EB: get up off your lazy basement butt, go set up the pogo ride somewhere, and ride it. then come back to me and explain your experience in detail.  
EB: and don’t lie because i spent hours on that thing as a little kid and i will know if you are faking.  
CG: WHY THE HELL SHOULD I AGREE TO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?  
EB: do it.  
CG: NO FUCKING WAY.  
EB: do it.  
CG: I WOULD RATHER HAVE MY VISUAL ORBS SWITCHED OUT WITH MY SHAME GLOBES AND SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE PERCEIVING THE WORLD THROUGH MY CROTCH.  
EB: do it or i’ll spend the rest of the game ignoring you.  
CG: GOD FUCKING DAMN YOU.  
EB: knew it. :B

[==> END OF ACT ONE.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/320491/chapters/528500)


	5. ==> END OF ACT ONE.

  


-

-

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand there's the first act! I can't draw, but I sure as hell can manipulate canon material to make things look original!! TRY AND STOP ME
> 
> Vriska is helping Jade 8ide time playing g8mes while Jade waits to be pulled into her session. Terezi is helping Rose speedrun through LOLAR. Kanaya is learning the art of Alternian poetry from the undisputed masters. And Karkat. Well. Karkat got one of his stronger troll buddies to help him out.
> 
> All material cut from canon except 1) the meteor texture, which I got from a hi-res google image search of "moon surface" and then Perfectum'd the living shit out of, and 2) the black spring of the pogo ride, which I borrowed from [wariofan63](http://wariofan63.tumblr.com/post/14699831256/john-ride-the-pogo). I re-rendered the ride itself though because that gif wasn't big enough.
> 
> Thank you for all your kind and lovely reviews so far. Please feel free to leave comments, criticisms, and even plot point suggestions about things you would like to see addressed in this fic! I think I've got all the major plot stuff planned, like god tiers and Bec's existence, but please, fire away.
> 
> Next act coming soon. Thanks for reading!


	6. II.I

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

GA: Listen Up "Dogg"  
TG: oh sweet jesus  
GA: Park It On The Parquet While I Peruse The Pages Of My Dossier  
GA: Im Delivering A Bouquet Of Risque Dismay And I Fully Intend To Overstay  
GA: (My Welcome That Is)  
TG: yeah good luck with that  
GA: I Will Initiate This Onslaught With Something Formulaic  
GA: My Jade Prose Is Eloquent Yet Your Shades Are Barely Prosaic  
GA: You Are Outclassed Outsassed Into The Early Archaic  
GA: Glue Your Pieces Back Together To Build A Failure Mosaic  
GA: A Building Brick Of Thick Verse Casts Though Stained Glass As A Pass Into A Church Of Rhyme Onto The Head Of A Certain Pedophilic Father Time  
GA: Your Think Pan Cracks Under The Force Of The Downbeat Whilst My Waning Respect Thieves The Common Courtesy Of A Backseat  
GA: I Am Told To Break You In A Strapping Manner Equine  
GA: You Will Kneel To Polish The Steel Of My Resolve To A High Mirror Shine  
GA: For I Design  
GA: The Borders You Watch Me Transgress  
GA: I Own The Primate Wrench Caught In The Gears Of Your Success   
GA: The Mechanics Of Your Integrity Construct Without Finesse  
GA: Your Verse Fails To Impress Instead Failure Coalesce-  
GA: -s Into Solid Disgrace Squalid Waste  
GA: Waste Of Space That Disgrace Beats Embrace At The Pace Of A  
GA: Length Of Lace Apace Defaced With Nary A Trace Of Grace Or Case Of Replacement  
GA: If Youre On The Record Tables Prepare For Your Displacement  
GA: The Value Of Your Rhyme Is Subject To The Will Of My Debasement  
TG: woah  
GA: Is This Proper Form  
GA: I Mean  
GA: Theres No Need For Me To Conform To Your Form  
GA: If You Thought I Cared You Have Been  
GA: Successfully Misinformed  
GA: The Horns Of Your Defeat Are Sounding Offhand  
GA: Miracles Of Personal Investment Are Marked Explicit Honktraband While Ive Manned  
GA: This Table  
GA: But  
GA: Its Time To Stitch The Seam And Ditch The Scene After Sewing The Records Shut  
GA: You Dont Know Jack In Regards To Picking Up Slack Or Earning The Knack For Talking "Smack"  
GA: Im The Fine Alternian Cotton To Your Hideous Burlap Sack  
GA: Ive Taken Careful Measurements To Cut You Down On The Spot  
GA: Ive Spun It Round And Kicked It Down And Dropped It Like Its Hot  
GA: And I Will Not  
GA: Be Forgot  
GA: (Ten)  
GA: I Will Not Fall Contrite To An Egregious Oversight  
GA: You Will Fight For Your Time Of Night To Embrace A Race With The Sylph Of Space  
GA: Now Pick Up The Pace To Remain In The Chase  
GA: Run To Your Lusus To Tend Your Fresh Wounds With  
GA: Gauze And Claws And Fangs And Tourniquet  
GA: If Your Brain Is Set To Scatter At The Truth Of The Matter  
GA: I Highly Suggest You Come To Terms With It  
TG: who is this  
GA: Er

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TG: no wait dont go  
TG: you were actually pretty chill

  



	7. II.II

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--

CG: OKAY DO I EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW?  
EB: i am being heralded as a hero of my people.  
EB: did you not see what just happened? i thought you could watch my all my timeline stuff from your end.  
CG: I FAST FORWARDED THROUGH THE BORING SHIT.  
EB: in before my entire life.  
CG: WHICH IS BASICALLY YOUR ENTIREFUCK YOU.  
CG: ALL I SAW WAS BLAH BLAH GLOWING MUSHROOMS BLAH BLAH FIRE BLAH BLAH EXPLOSIONS AND SHAVING CREAM.  
CG: ARE YOU GOING TO BE DOING ANYTHING RELEVANT ANYTIME SOON OR IS THE EVENT OF YOUR CONSORTS PARADING YOU AROUND LIKE SOME KIND OF TROPHY THE CLIMAX OF THIS ADVENTURE?  
EB: you're just jealous.  
CG: YES I AM EXTREMELY JEALOUS I AM NOT BEING BLINDLY BRANDISHED ABOUT BY BRIGHT BANANA BUBBLE BLOWING BUFFOONS.  
EB: i am glad you can admit that! acknowledgement is the first step to recovery, you know.  
CG: YOU'RE AN IDIOT.  
CG: I LITERALLY CANNOT FATHOM HOW YOU'VE SURVIVED FOR THIS LONG EMANATING SUCH STUPIDITY.  
CG: THE INITIAL TIDE OF SHOCK I FELT UPON LEARNING OF YOUR GRANDIOSE FUCK UP IS BEGINNING TO EBB BEHIND THE VALIDATING SHORES OF YOUR MORONITY.  
CG: IN ORDER TO STABILIZE YOUR UNIVERSE, THE FUTILE NATURE OF YOUR EXISTENCE MUST HAVE ISOLATED YOUR VERY ESSENCE FROM THAT OF THE WORLD AROUND YOU, VACUUM SEALING YOUR DAFT CONTINUITY INTO A NEAT AIR TIGHT POCKET SINGULARITY FROM WHICH NO WIT MAY ENTER AND NO MIND NUMBING FRIVOLITY MAY ESCAPE.  
CG: FRESHNESS FUCKING GUARANTEED.  
CG: EGBERT?  
CG: EGBERT I'M TALKING TO YOU.  
CG: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT CHISEL?  
CG: EGBERT.  
CG: STOP FUCKING IGNORING ME, EGBERT.  
CG: EGBERT.  
CG: JOHN HUMAN.  
EB: it's just john.  
CG: ALRIGHT THEN "JUST JOHN", WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU CARVING?  
CG: I BET IT'S SOMETHING STUPID.  
EB: an order form. for a package.  
EB: the voice in my head told me to do it.  
CG: OH OKAY SO YOU HEAR A DISEMBODIED VOICE IN YOUR HEAD TELLING YOU TO DO THINGS AND YOUR FIRST INSTINCT IS TO OBEY EXACTLY WHAT IT SAYS!  
CG: WHAT A BRILLIANT FUCKING IDEA, "JUST JOHN", YOU ASTOUND ME WITH YOUR WISDOM AND GOOD DECISIONS.  
EB: the voice is a lot more polite than you've ever been, rudeass. it's been helping me out almost this entire time!  
EB: the kind of stuff it's been telling me to do seems harmless enough. potentially helpful, even! while all you've been doing is hounding me about things i can't control right now.  
EB: you are like a living novelty paperweight with a button i can press whenever i want to feel bad except you're a defect and the button's stuck and i can't get you to shut up.  
EB: whoever is talking to me is a very nice person! i'm not as stupid as you think i am so you don't need to keep worrying about me you dick.  
CG: WHAT PART OF "YOU'RE AN IDIOT" CAN BE INTERPRETED AS ME WORRYING ABOUT YOU?  
EB: why is that the only thing you're offended by out of everything i just said!  
CG: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU CARE!  
EB: oh shit.  
EB: you know what i'm seeing?  
CG: WHAT?  
EB: a complete lack of pogo riding experience reports.  
EB: i have just conveniently remembered i am now totally allowed to ignore you.  
CG: YOU CAN'T BE FUCKING SERIOUS.  
CG: EGBERT.  
CG: JOHN?

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] is now idle! --

CG: A;OEIAKJF;OSDIF  
CG: OKAY OKAY  
CG: FINE.  
CG: I DID WHAT YOU SAID AND GOT ONE OF THE OTHERS TO HELP ME SET UP THE STUPID FUCKING POGO RIDE OUTSIDE.  
EB: pogo.  
CG: EXCUSE ME.  
EB: colored text for effect.  
CG: I LOATHE YOU WITH THE INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND ALTERNIAN DAYBREAKS.  
EB: go on.  
CG: SIGH.  
CG: WE SET UP THE POGO  
CG: FUCK  
CG: THE POGO RIDE ON THE METEOR JUST OUTSIDE. IT WAS A SPECKLE OF OBNOXIOUS GREEN IN A FIELD OF MEDIOCRE GREY AND I WOULD'VE ALMOST CONSIDERED THE SIGHT POETIC IF IT WASN'T FOR THE FACT I WAS THREE SECONDS AWAY FROM MAKING A COMPLETE ASS OF MYSELF.  
CG: AT FIRST I WAS UNSURE OF HOW EXACTLY TO MOUNT THE FUCKING THING WITHOUT LAUNCHING MYSELF INTO A SPINE INJURY SO I JUST SORT OF EDGED ONTO IT WHILE CARRYING A SENSE OF APPREHENSION AND DREAD AND FROM THERE I EVENTUALLY FIGURED OUT I WAS SUPPOSED TO ROCK IT BACK AND FORTH.  
CG: DID I MENTION THE TROLL WHO SET IT UP FOR ME IS A HULKING SWEATY NARROW MINDED BRUTE WHO SOMEHOW MANAGES TO SEXUALIZE EVERY LITTLE GODDAMNED THING AND MAKE EVERYONE WITHIN A THREE YARD VICINITY REALLY FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE IN THE PROCESS?  
CG: HE WAS THERE ALONG WITH HIS MENTALLY DEFICIENT AUTISTIC CAT GIRL OF A MOIRAIL WHO'S HAD AN EMBARRASSING UNREQUITED CRUSH ON ME SINCE WE WERE FOUR SWEEPS OLD.  
CG: SUFFICE IT TO SAY WITH THEM AS AN AUDIENCE THE ACTIVITY MADE ME FEEL MILDLY EXHIBITIONISTIC AND IT WAS AS DEGRADING AS IT WAS INANE AND I FEEL PERSONALLY VIOLATED ON SEVERAL DEEP AND EMOTIONALLY SCARRING LEVELS.  
CG: MIND YOU THIS WAS BEFORE I GOT UP AND EMPTIED THE CONTENTS OF MY STOMACH INTO A CRATER SHAPED LIKE TROLL BOB ROSS'S FANTASTICALLY ROUND HEAD.  
CG: IF YOUR CULTURE ACTUALLY CONDONES SETTING YOUR YOUNG ON THAT DEVICE FOR RECREATIONAL PURPOSES HUMANKIND IS MORE DEMENTED THAN I THOUGHT.  
CG: MY THINK PAN ACHES. I'VE BEEN WADDLING AROUND BOW LEGGED FOR THE PAST HOUR AND A HALF. I'M HUNGRY YET NAUSEATED AT THE SAME TIME. AND THE ROOM STILL SPINS LIKE A FLUTTERBEAST ON SWEETPOLLEN IF I TURN AROUND TOO QUICKLY.  
CG: SO A GREAT BIG OBLIGATORY FUCK YOU FOR FORCING ME TO SUFFER THROUGH THAT. I HOPE YOU MANAGED TO DERIVE SOME ENJOYMENT FROM MY SUFFERING.  
CG: I ALSO HOPE KARMA SWIMS BACK AROUND AND TAKES A HEALTHY CHUNK OUT OF YOUR STUPID ASS.  
EB: you guys have a troll bob ross???  
CG: I AM GOING TO FUCKING VOMIT ON YOU  
EB: i'm kidding i'm kidding! jeez lighten up.  
EB: i didn't actually think you would go through with the pogo thing so i congratulate you on your bravery.  
EB: it was every bit as terrifying as it should have been. riding the pogo is actually a very important milestone in a young human's life.  
CG: WAIT  
CG: REALLY?  
CG: I MEAN  
CG: IF IT'S ACTUALLY SOME MAJOR HIGHLIGHT OF PERSONAL GRUBHOOD DEVELOPMENT IN YOUR WORLD I SUPPOSE IN RETROSPECT IT WASN'T REALLY ALL THAT FUCKING BAD.  
EB: yeah man.  
EB: you have conquered an obstacle suitable for human children six and up. good job!  
CG: THANKS.  
CG: I SHOULD PROBABLY TELL YOU I TOOK ANOTHER SUGGESTION FROM YOUR GUIDE AND ALCHEMIZED THE POGO RIDE WITH A COUPLE OF MY SICKLES.  
CG: THE RESULTS WERE  
CG: INTERESTING.  
EB: what did you end up making?  
CG: IT'S KIND OF HARD TO EXPLAIN.  
CG: THE BLADES ARE BRIGHT GREEN AND ARE CONNECTED TO THE HANDLES WITH POGO SPRINGS.  
CG: THEY'RE FUNCTIONALLY IMPOTENT IN CLOSE QUARTER COMBAT BUT WHEN YOU SWING THEM AROUND THEY LAUNCH OUT AND MANAGE TO BE USEFUL AS LONG RANGE WEAPONS.  
CG: WHICH IS PRETTY COOL I GUESS.  
EB: what are they called?  
CG: POPSICKLES.  
EB: good.  
EB: you know it's funny, during all my alchemizing i found out the slime ghost is a pretty versatile kind of guy. anything you combine him with will end up awesome somehow.  
CG: WHERE IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE FROM, ANYWAY?  
EB: japan! it is a country in asia.  
EB: er. was a country in asia.  
EB: well technically he is actually from a japanese animation. we call it anime.  
EB: called it.  
EB: man, this is going to be hard.  
CG: I FIND IT HILARIOUS THAT YOUR WHOLE WORLD WAS DESTROYED AND YET THE THINGS YOU CHOOSE TO LAMENT ABOUT ARE VERB TENSES AND THE LOSS OF SOME DUMB CARTOONS.  
EB: animes aren't cartoons numbnuts.  
EB: but you are an alien so you are forgiven for being stupid.  
EB: come to think of it, you're really frustrated most of the time so the humor of mucus ghost fun corner is probably too high brow for you.  
EB: you're way more of a cowboy bebop kind of guy.  
CG: IS THIS SUPPOSED TO MEAN SOMETHING TO ME?  
EB: yeah actually. you can add it to your long list of stuff you wanted to watch as "the only redeemable parts of human earth culture" or whatever you said before.  
EB: squeeze it between your sappy romances and your lame dane cook romcoms.  
CG: DANE COOK IS FUCKING HILARIOUS AND I'M SORRY HIS GENIUS IS LOST ON YOU.  
EB: dane cook is a talentless hack and i'm sorry you have such a shitty taste in comedy.  
CG: WOW WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE TO BE SO BLATANTLY WRONG ALL THE TIME?  
CG: INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW.  
EB: :P  
CG: BESIDES IT'S NOT JUST DANE COOK. I ALSO HAVE THE VARIOUS WORKS OF JOHN CUSACK AND MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY LINED UP.  
EB: okay matthew mcconaughey is pretty quality.  
CG: DAMN STRAIGHT.  
CG: WAIT WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT AGAIN  
EB: you were going to go download cowboy bebop.  
CG: OH YEAH.  
CG: AND YOU WERE A FEW HOURS AWAY FROM FUCKING THINGS UP ON AN INCOMPREHENSIBLE SCALE AND FATING US ALL TO OUR DEATH.  
EB: oh god, this again?  
EB: you aren't dead yet right?  
CG: CONGRATULATIONS ON ATTEMPTING TO OBSERVE THE OBVIOUS. UNFORTUNATELY LIKE ALWAYS YOU ARE INCORRECT.  
CG: I DIED A LONG TIME AGO AND I'M OPERATING THE KEYBOARD AS A REANIMATED ZOMBIE.  
CG: THE REASON WHY I TYPE LIKE THIS IS BECAUSE MY SMALLEST FINGER HAS DECAYED TO A DELICATE BONY NUB AND I CAN NO LONGER REACH THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON. MYSTERY FUCKING SOLVED.  
EB: dude shut up for a second!  
EB: you aren't dead yet so maybe there is still something we can do to help you.  
EB: if i'm going to do something to screw you guys over, that means our worlds must be connected somehow, right?  
EB: my salamander bros told me i'm the heir or something, and that there's this monster hidden away i have to wake up and tell to gtfo in order to save their world.  
EB: i think dave rose and jade all have worlds and monsters they have to deal with, too.  
EB: there has to be something somewhere along the line of our adventure we can do to set things right again.  
CG: WE'VE PLAYED THE SAME GAME, DUMBASS.  
CG: WE'VE HAD WORLDS AND CONSORTS AND ADVENTURES AND DENIZENS AND SPECIAL SPARKLEFAIRY SNOWFLAKE POWERS BEFORE. THE WORKS.  
CG: OUR EFFORTS WERE SUPPOSED TO PRESENT US WITH A NEW UNIVERSE TO REPLACE THE ONE THAT WAS DESTROYED BUT IN THE END WE'VE GOT JACK TO SHOW FOR IT.  
CG: HAHAHAHA OH LOOK A PUN.  
CG: I AM SO FUCKING FUNNY.  
EB: woah wait.  
EB: so the goal of the game is to create a new universe?  
CG: THAT WAS THE PLAN.  
CG: AND IT WORKED. WE SPAWNED YOURS, REMEMBER?  
CG: WE WERE JUST INTERRUPTED BEFORE WE GOT A CHANCE TO ENTER IT.  
EB: what if we win our game and make another whole new new universe?  
EB: if we find you, can we take you guys with us?  
CG: WE ARE FLOATING AIMLESSLY ON A ROCK HIDDEN BETWEEN HUNDREDS OF OTHERS WITHIN AN ASTEROID BELT CIRCLING IN AN ORBIT OF AN INDISCRIMINATE PART OF PARADOX SPACE.  
CG: THERE IS NOTHING YOU COULD POSSIBLY DO TO HELP US AT THIS POINT.  
EB: not with that attitude there's not.  
CG: MY ATTITUDE IS EXCLUSIVE FROM OUR ULTIMATE DOOM, AND YOUR ONGOING SENSE OF OPTIMISM SICKENS ME TO THE VERY CORE.  
CG: WHERE YOUR GLASS IS HALF FULL MINE IS BRIMMING OVER WITH VOLATILE ANTIMATTER ACTUALIZED IN THE FORM OF A COUNTDOWN TIMER REMINDING ME OF OUR VIOLENT IMPENDING FATE ON A SECOND BY SECOND BASIS.  
EB: you wouldn't be able to hold antimatter in a glass you dork.  
CG: SHUT UP.  
CG: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU INTERESTED IN HELPING US, ANYWAY?  
CG: I'VE BEEN DIRECTING ALL MY ENERGY INTO MAKE YOUR LIFE A LIVING HELL, OR AT THE VERY LEAST AN ANNOYING INCONVENIENCE, BUT IT'S STARTING TO SEEM LIKE MY EFFORTS ARE HAVING THE EXACT OPPOSITE EFFECT.  
EB: well all this stuff you're talking about me doing something that leads to killing you and your troll friends is making me feel really guilty!  
EB: you're still an asshole but i can at least kind of see why you're so angry at me.  
EB: but then you go on and on and on about how it's one hundred and twenty percent impossible to save you and all this whining you're doing is just making me want to prove you wrong.  
CG: OH SHIT YOU CAUGHT ME. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M PLANNING.  
CG: I'M USING REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY IN ORDER TO MOTIVATE YOU TO KICK DOWN THE FRONT DOOR OF THIS GODFORSAKEN LAB AND SWEEP US OFF TO OUR RESCUE BEFORE JACK SWINGS AROUND AND GETS STAB HAPPY.  
CG: BUT NOW YOU'VE GONE AND RUINED YOUR WELCOMING SURPRISE PARTY, YOU MONUMENTAL SHITFUCK. I'LL HAVE TO TELL KANAYA TO TAKE DOWN ALL THE STREAMERS.  
CG: SHE'LL BE HEARTBROKEN.  
EB: hehehe.  
CG: WHAT'S SO FUNNY?  
EB: nothing.  
CG: YOU DON'T GET TO LAUGH THEN NOT TELL ME WHY.  
CG: WAIT WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?  
EB: uhh...  
EB: places.  
CG: YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHERE THE FUCK YOU ARE, DO YOU?  
EB: how is that my fault!  
EB: i was dropped into a world that as far as i can tell is the size of a whole new planet.  
EB: i've been pretty much winging it since i got here. i don't want to waste my jetpack fuel unless i know where the heck i'm going.  
CG: WELL I DON'T FEEL LIKE WATCHING YOU MEANDER AWAY FROM YOUR SECOND GATE LIKE A CLUCKBEAST WITH ITS THIRD HEAD CUT OFF SO GET YOUR JETPACK ON.  
EB: i thought you said you just fast forward through the boring shit?  
CG: DO YOU WANT MY FUCKING HELP OR NOT?  
EB: fine.  
EB: thanks for not being a complete douche, o generous one.  
CG: YOU'RE WELCOME.


	8. II.III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's dedicated to [zenithalGaze](http://zenithalgaze.tumblr.com/)!
> 
> zG wrote [the most lovely review](http://zg-is-a-terrible-fan.tumblr.com/post/24392837129/patronswap) for this story and after reading it I just basically knew I had to kick my ass into gear and start writing for it again. So thank you for the inspiration. <3
> 
> What was that, a three month hiatus?
> 
> Yikes.

AG: Sigh.  
AG: Siiiiiiiigh.  
AG: Siiiiiiii  
AG: iiiiiiii  
AG: iiiiiiii  
AG: iiiiiiii  
AG: iiiiiiii  
AG: iiiiiiii  
AG: iiiiiiii  
AG: iiiiiiiigh!!!!!!!!  
GG: what is it!!!  
AG: Are you finished yet????????  
GG: maybe!!!!!!!!!!!  
AG: I'm just checking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
GG: okay daves good  
GG: ive done everything i can to get him in  
GG: now its just a matter of waiting........  
AG: MORE w8ing?  
AG: Man, this is the slowest session ever. W8 after w8 after w8.  
AG: How can you stand it?  
GG: i already said you didnt have to stick around :P  
GG: buuut.....  
GG: if youre really that bored we can play another round of pictionary :D  
AG: As awesome as that sounds, you've got me on your team now, Jade.  
AG: And as a mem8er of this team, I am very generously taking it upon myself to speed this whole thing up.  
AG: 8y a lot.  
AG: 8y so much!  
AG: Can you even handle all this generosity?  
GG: ummm....  
AG: Tell you what.  
AG: How a8out you lie down while I take care of things from here?  
GG: im not really tired  
AG: Shhhhhhhh.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] is now an idle chum! --

AG: ::::)

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]  \--

AG: Helloooooooo, John.  
EB: woah what.  
EB: i thought this timeline was password locked or something.  
AG: Oh please, as if one little password has ever stopped me 8efore.  
AG: Do you have any idea how fee8le Karkat's mind is? I 8arely had to lift a pinky claw searching through it.  
EB: karkat?  
EB: is that carcino's name?  
AG: Oh my god, he hasn't even told you his name yet? What a stooge.  
EB: i agree that he is a massive stooge.  
EB: but anyway.  
EB: i am two steps away from embarking on something very important and i don't need any more trolls harping on my ass right now.  
EB: so go away!  
AG: Well aren't you a rude piece of shit????????  
AG: Is that really any way to speak to a lady, John?  
AG: Especially one who approaches you while trying to help one of your friends out of complete good will?  
EB: one of my friends?  
EB: oh crap are you spinneret?  
AG: I see my reputation precedes me. Can't say I'm surprised.  
AG: 8ut have we spoken 8efore?  
EB: no, but jade's told me so much about you!  
EB: she keeps talking about how fun you are to play games with and how helpful you've been trying to get her to understand the game better while she waits to get in.  
AG: She said all that a8out me?  
AG: I mean.  
AG: Of course she sa8d all that a8out me! I am pretty gr8 after all.  
EB: sounds like.  
EB: i wish you were helping me out instead of karkat. :(  
AG: I would if I could, John. You have excellent taste in character.  
AG: 8ut I have a previous engagement.  
AG: So stop distracting me with your flattery 8ecause we need your help.  
EB: anything for the great spinneret!  
AG: ::::D  
EB: what's up?  
AG: Jade is sitting around doing a8solutely jack shit when she could 8e in the game kicking serious ass!  
AG: I want you to drop whatever irrelevant nonsense you're doing and find that damn server copy for her.  
AG: I will even give you directions on when and where to pick it up, just 8ecause I'm nice.  
EB: hmmmmm.  
EB: what do i get out of doing this thing for you now and not later?  
EB: my services do not come free, you know.  
EB: plus i want compensation for all the complaining karkat is going to do when he finds out i'm not headed where he told me to go.  
AG: I like you already.  
AG: 8ut that's easy!  
AG: I'll give you some dirt I discovered while rifling through that silly think pan of his for the password to your timeline.  
EB: now you're talking.  
EB: i am turning my heel as we speak.  
EB: lay it on me.  
AG: You know how he singled you out from all of your friends and is o8sessing over how much he h8s your guts?  
EB: yeah?  
AG: It's 8ecause he wants your 8ulge.  
AG: He's pretty much 8asically in love with you.  
EB: ...what.


	9. II.IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Spiffybug voice acted Kanaya's rap!](http://spiffybug.tumblr.com/post/26474627465/kanayas-rap-from-patronswap-by-fivetail-everyone) In other news, I apologize updates are taking so long. The prospect of rewriting canon was really daunting and even now I only have a loose outline on how things are going to work out. So many intricacies. So many!

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

GC: D4RN  
GC: 1 W4S HOP1NG TH4T L4ST OGR3 WOULD 4T L34ST M41M YOU 4 L1TTL3  
TT: Lovely.  
GC: WH3R3 D1D YOU L34RN HOW TO F1GHT L1K3 TH4T  
TT: I’m not sure.  
TT: I’ve reason to suspect entering the game empowers you with some mild level of battle ability, I don’t know many thirteen year olds who would be naturally capable of such radical acrobatic pirouettes.  
TT: Well, there is one, but I’d consider him the reason for the rule rather than an exception to it.  
GC: HOW 4M 1 SUPPOS3D TO F1ND OUT TH3 COLOUR OF YOUR BLOOD 4T TH1S R4T3  
TT: You could always just ask.  
GC: H3Y L4LOND3  
GC: WH4T COLOUR 1S YOUR BLOOD????  
TT: Clear.  
GC: H4 H4 H4  
GC: DONT B3 STUP1D TH4TS NOT 3V3N H3MOSP3CTR4LLY PL4US1BL3  
GC: TR34D C4R3FULLY W1TH YOUR L13S OR 3LS3 1 WONT B3 4BL3 TO R3S1ST F4ST FORW4RD1NG THROUGH YOUR T1M3L1N3 4ND F1ND1NG OUT TH3 TRUTH 4444LL FOR MYS3LF >:]  
TT: I take it there’s a lot of blood in my not-so-distant future?  
GC: TONS  
GC: FROM TH3 GL1MPS3 1 GOT YOU M4N4G3 TO M4K3 4 PR3TTY B1G M3SS OF YOURS3LF  
TT: That’s encouraging.  
TT: Why are you so curious about my blood in the first place? Is your synesthesia strong enough to override the natural taste of things?  
GC: 1M BL1ND NOT D3LUS1ON4L  
GC: 4ND STOP C4LL1NG 1T TH4T W31RD HUM4N N4M3  
GC: 1 TOLD YOU 1T 1SNT 4 D1SORD3R >:[  
GC: MY S3NS3 OF T4ST3 C4N R3PL4C3 COLOURS ON 4 SCR33N  
GC: 1 C4N US3 SM3LL TOO BUT 1TS 34S13R TO R3LY ON SM3LL 1N P3RSON WH3N YOU C4N F33L TH3 D3L1C1OUSLY T4NGY ST1NG OF 4NX1OUSN3SS BL33D 1NTO TH3 41R R1GHT 1N FRONT OF YOU  
TT: And this skill was taught to you by your dragon lusus, correct?  
GC: Y3S  
TT: Do you think perhaps that’s why you had a much easier time developing your Seer powers in comparison to my progress? Because you had the opportunity to “see” in other ways long before your session began?  
GC: YOU 4SK TOO M4NY QU3ST1ONS  
TT: I’m attempting to get a grasp on as many things as I can.  
TT: Growing into my powers is taking longer than I’m comfortable with and I’m thinking it might be easier if I abandoned this method and found my own answers.  
GC: TH4TS NOT HOW TH1S WORKS  
GC: YOU C4NT BR34K TH3 RUL3S 1F YOU DONT KNOW WH4T TH3 RUL3S 4R3 YOU DUMMY  
TT: I’m getting impatient, Pyrope.  
GC: B3 QU13T 4ND FOCUS, L4LOND3  
GC: TH3R3 SHOULD B3 4 FORK COM1NG UP 1N THOS3 DUNG3ONS SOON DO YOU S33 1T  
TT: What about it?  
GC: WH3N 1 US3 MY POW3RS 1 CL34R MY H34D 4ND FOCUS ON TH3 D3C1S1ON 1 H4V3 TO M4K3  
GC: D3C1S1ONS 4LW4YS H4V3 4 S3T NUMB3R OF CHO1C3S  
GC: N4RROW TH3M DOWN  
TT: There are four pathways.  
TT: I have five choices.  
GC: S33 P3OPL3 N3V3R CONS1D3R TURN1NG B4CK 4S 4N OPT1ON  
GC: YOUR3 G3TT1NG B3TT3R 4T TH1S 4LR34DY >:]  
TT: Now what?  
GC: W3LL  
GC: ONC3 1 N4RROW DOWN MY CHO1C3S 1 C4N K1ND OF S33 HOW 3V3RY D3C1S1ON W1LL PL4Y OUT 1N TH3 LONG RUN 4ND FROM TH3R3 1 C4N P1CK TH3 B3ST ON3  
GC: YOU H4V3 4 D1FF3R3NT 4SP3CT THOUGH SO 1 DONT KNOW HOW 1T WORKS FOR YOU  
TT: Aspect?  
GC: Y3S  
GC: 3V3RY PL4Y3R 1S G1V3N 4 CL4SS 4ND 4N 4SP3CT  
GC: W3 4R3 BOTH P4RT OF TH3 S33R CL4SS  
GC: MY 4SP3CT 1S M1ND  
GC: YOURS 1S L1GHT  
GC: OUR POW3RS WORK 1N S1M1L4R W4YS BUT OUR 3X3CUT1ON C4N B3 COMPL3T3LY D1FF3R3NT  
GC: LOOK 1NTO TH3 LONG RUN  
GC: WH4T DO YOU W4NT TO DO  
TT: I want to finish this inane quest, already.  
GC: NO, FURTH3R TH4N TH4T!!!  
GC: WH4T DO YOU W4NT TO 4CH13V3 BY TH3 3ND OF TH3 G4M3  
TT: I want to master this game just to spite how much time I’ve wasted inside it.  
TT: I want to understand its mechanics, I want to know why it exists, what ultimate purpose it’s meant to serve.  
TT: I want to become powerful enough to finish it with my friends.  
TT: I want to help my friends become powerful enough to finish it with me.  
GC: GOOD  
GC: NOW FOCUS ON YOUR CHO1C3S 4G41N  
GC: DO YOU F33L 4NYTH1NG  
TT: Maybe.  
TT: It’s vague at best.  
GC: WH4T DO3S 1T F33L L1K3  
TT: A weak compass in my head, pushing me to go in a particular direction.  
GC: DO YOU TRUST 1T  
TT: I feel like I should.  
GC: TH3N GO W1TH 1T  
GC: WH4TS TH3 WORST TH4T COULD H4PP3N >:]  
TT: Your scare tactics are not very effective.  
GC: YOUR MOTH3R N3V3R LOV3D YOU  
TT: Gasp!  
TT: You cut me deep, Pyrope.  



End file.
